


hearts can heal

by starryboy



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Break Up, Character Study, Light Angst, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Small Towns, Snapshots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-11-07 20:52:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17967848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starryboy/pseuds/starryboy
Summary: Jeno doesn’t know when the 10% of unhappiness he felt at times slowly overtook the other 90%, but he seems to not know a lot anymore. There’s an uncomfortable itch in his chest now and no matter how hard he scratches it won’t go away.There’s this saying that Donghyuck always tells him, expectation is the mother of all frustration. Jeno never really understood what it meant, until everything went wrong.





	hearts can heal

**Author's Note:**

> hey. this is different and feels sort of rushed at parts but i tried my best.
> 
> also you might've seen this already bc i posted it on my other ao3 account but i decided i wanted it here instead
> 
> yay for me not abandoning this account

There’s this saying that Donghyuck always tells him, expectation is the mother of all frustration. Jeno never really understood what it meant, just that Donghyuck stood by it. It was something he just accepted, Donghyuck saying it every time Jeno got annoyed at anything, but never really thought much about.

That is, until everything went wrong.

There was no inciting incident, no morning waking up realizing that there’s something wrong. It was gradual and suffocating, an eerie feeling following Jeno around until it was too much, too loud in his ears. He had dropped to his knees, raising his shaky hands to grip over his ears, eyes squeezed shut as he desperately tried to block it out.

It was Donghyuck that made it go away. He’d kneel in front of him and pull Jeno’s hands away from his ears, leaning in to press a kiss to his lips. 

That’s all it took to make it go away. At least, for a little while.

Jeno would be alone in his room, the creaking of the floorboards far too loud in the quiet of the 3AM darkness that creeps up from the edges of his room to dive into his chest, making it hard to breathe, when it would come back. The overwhelming feeling that there’s something amiss in his life comes back in full force then, gnawing at him, like little tiny goblins attempting to make their presence known by any means. 

He’d take a deep breath, turning over onto his side to stare at the pictures of Donghyuck and him pinned to the wall above his desk. There’s this one of Donghyuck the morning after their junior prom that’s a favorite of his, the way Donghyuck shines in the light of the sunrise makes him breathless. 

Jeno turns away, breathless is not how he wants to be right now. He grabs his phone, flinching in the too bright light, and falters as he checks the time, blurry vision not focusing on the numbers but his lockscreen. It’s another picture of Donghyuck that usually fills him with a sense of warmth, but instead it’s nowhere to be found, burnt dead leaves settling at the bottom of his stomach uncomfortably. 

He’s sensing a pattern. 

Instead of thinking too much about it—because thinking at a time like this is just calling for trouble—he gets up and walks towards the bathroom. His footsteps echo in his ears as he walks, sounding so, so far away, but Jeno thinks it might just be his imagination. 

The sterile light of the bathroom hurts his eyes, so he leaves it off, staring at himself in the mirror in the dark. If he stares hard enough his reflection changes to a happier version of himself. Jeno’s heart skips at that, the tiniest sliver of happiness flashing inside of him, until he looks closer and realizes it’s not a happy version of himself, but the version he is when he’s around others. The corners of his mouth are drawn upwards, faking a smile, but the emptiness behind his eyes leave a bitter taste in Jeno’s mouth. 

Jeno doesn’t know when the 10% of unhappiness he felt at times slowly overtook the other 90%, but he seems to not know a lot anymore. There’s an uncomfortable itch in his chest now and no matter how hard he scratches it won’t go away.

No matter how many times he calls Donghyuck over for thinly veiled makeout sessions, or maybe something more—it’s been so long since then, since Donghyuck wanted him—it refuses to go away. 

Jeno sighs as he slips into bed, warily eyeing the hole in his wall. 

 

 

Jeno and Donghyuck have been dating for two years. 

The confession went surprisingly smooth, and before Jeno knew it they were an _item_ , something their friends could use as their woke card whenever they got called out on some vaguely homophobic thing they said. Being used as a reason why his friends weren’t complete assholes didn’t sit right with Jeno, but Donghyuck never seemed to mind it, so he dropped it.

 _Vaguely homophobic_ is a great way to describe most of the population of his high school. Would they beat Jeno up for liking guys? Probably not, it would take too much effort. Do they still makes jokes suggesting that the _homosexual lifestyle_ is inherently wrong? Yes.

Jeno liking boys wasn’t new information when Donghyuck and him started dating. He had a boyfriend before, in middle school when he had finally come to the realization that he was gay and it seemed like a whole new world opened up in front of him, when the realities of what’s it’s like to be openly gay hadn’t quite suck in yet.

If Jeno remembers correctly, his ex is straight now, which is probably what his friends thought about him when he started dating Yeeun sophomore year. She was a senior, two years older than him, and wanted more than Jeno was willing to give at fifteen years old. 

It ended as quickly as it started, the conversation explaining what bisexuality is lasted longer than the relationship. 

Donghyuck was different—and still is. He was like a breath of fresh air for Jeno, someone he could talk about liking boys with without getting barely serious answers with an undertone of deep-seated homophobia. 

Jeno was smitten from the very beginning, but who wouldn’t fall for Donghyuck?

 

 

“You’ll never guess what happened today,” Donghyuck speaks up for the first time since he got here.

They’re studying. That seems to be the only thing they do together nowadays, ever since junior year kicked their asses. They’re studying in Jeno’s room and all he wants to do is lean over and kiss Donghyuck.

But he knows Donghyuck won’t let him.

That’s a new development in their relationship, Donghyuck not wanting to be intimate, even if it’s just holding hands. It started with Donghyuck removing Jeno’s hand from his thigh or laughing awkwardly as he stepped away as Jeno tries to press a kiss to his cheek, and evolved into Donghyuck barely looking at him nowadays. 

“What happened?” Jeno asks, glasses sliding down his nose and making Donghyuck look blurry. 

Donghyuck doesn’t look up, doesn’t meet his eye anymore. Jeno doesn’t know what that means. “A junior asked me out, Jaemin.”

Jeno knows Jaemin, he used to dance at the same studio he does, before he decided that dancing wasn’t him after he was out for a year and a half because of a back injury. What a shame, he was really talented. “Did you tell him you have a boyfriend?”

Donghyuck hesitates. 

That’s new too, the way he falters when someone asks what they are. _Boyfriends_ , Jeno screams at them in his mind, but never out loud, _we’re dating_. Donghyuck doesn’t seem to want to say it out loud anymore—or at all, really.

“Yeah, I did,” Donghyuck says, twisting a ring around his finger. A ring Jeno bought him for their one year anniversary. Jeno hasn’t seen him wear it in a long time and the amount of relief it brings him to see it on his finger should be worrying. 

Why he’s relieved, he doesn’t know, just that it has something to do with expectations.

 

 

Jeno’s not an angry person, never has been, but the sheer amount of anger coursing through his body refutes that statement, making him a liar. Part of Jeno—the more rational side—wants to curl into a ball and disappear into nothingness where freshman’s in college _stay away from his boyfrie_ —

The irrational side laughs, stomping all over the contently curled up rational side, mocking it as it continues to disturb its peace. 

He’s never been this irritated before, and he doesn’t know what to do with all the energy that he suddenly possess, so he doesn’t think, just acts. The irrational side laughs maniacally as the rational side crumbles into dust, its last kick obliterating its head. 

Jeno pants, the ringing in his ears fading to a deafening quiet. His hand stings and his knuckles are bruised and bloody when he raises his hand to investigate. He looks up in confusion. 

There’s a hole in the wall in front of him.

Maybe he’s more angry than he thought.

 

 

Jeno met Donghyuck when he was fourteen. Sure, he had known about Donghyuck ever since sixth grade, Donghyuck being the star of their middle school’s choir, and since Jeno was sort of an outcast until freshman year he ran with the same kids Donghyuck ran with, but freshman year was the first time he really _met_ Donghyuck.

Drivers Education was something Jeno was really excited to do. Living in a small town in fuck middle of nowhere America means there’s not much to do—unless you can drive. Driving opens up a whole new world of independence that’s so hard to find when you’re fourteen and your hormones are going crazy so you absolutely hate everything your parents stand for. 

He distinctly remembers rolling his eyes at his mom as he hopped out of the car, throwing back a muffled _love you too!_ because really, who says I love you to their parents anymore.

Donghyuck was seated right next to him, which he was expecting with them both being Lee’s. He was chewing gum even though there was a big sign that said no gum allowed right behind them.

“Hello,” Jeno had said to him, practically shaking with excitement.

Donghyuck had stared at him while he blew a bubble, sighing when it popped. “Hi.”

Jeno was cut off from saying anything else when one of the instructors had started reading off who’s in what group. 

Unfortunately, Jeno was in the same group as Donghyuck.

Now, this really didn’t _seem_ unfortunate at the time, but five minutes after Donghyuck got behind the wheel he had popped a curb and subsequently popped a tire. That wasn’t quite what Jeno was expecting. 

The summer heat had bore down on him with a vengeance, making Jeno extremely uncomfortable in his black jeans and black shirt, because _it isn’t a phase mom! this is who I am!_

Donghyuck had shaken him out of his internal monologue about how he can dress however he so chooses. “Do you want ice cream?”

“What?” Jeno asked him, sounding lame as hell.

Donghyuck grimaced. “I said, do you want ice cream? We’re in the dairy Queen Parking lot for fuck’s sake.”

Jeno had blinked at him, not able to process both his question and his use of the word fuck. It’s no secret that most every kid his age has a huge potty mouth, but to hear someone so blatantly swear in front of a _teacher_ —man, this kid is hardcore. 

“Sure,” Jeno had replied after a moment.

And that’s how they ended up sitting on a concrete parking block in a Dairy Queen parking lot while Jeno’s science teacher slaved away in the dry heat of the summer changing the tire. 

Donghyuck didn’t offer to help. Neither did Jeno.

 

 

Mark Lee is an enigma—and always has been, even after he graduated. He was apart of Donghyuck’s ‘group’, which wasn’t really a group because cliques aren’t really a thing in this town, but he was the type of person that Donghyuck enjoys to be around, so they created some sort of quasi-group with people like them.

Jeno wasn’t like them. 

He was nervous to meet Mark, not that he hadn’t met him before, but meeting him as _Donghyuck’s boyfriend_ was scary. 

It was a running joke throughout the tail end of middle school and the first two years of high school that Donghyuck and Mark were a _thing_ , that they texted every minute of every day when Mark went on to high school without Donghyuck, and Jeno was just excited to put those rumors to rest.

He wasn’t expecting to feel like a third wheel the whole time they hung out with Mark.

It made him sad, how Donghyuck seemed to forget about him the second after he introduced Jeno to Mark in favor of clinging to the elder, made him feel a little bit worthless and pathetic.

Those aren’t new feelings though, he’s always felt like that, which is why he brushed it off at first. Until the _Mark and Donghyuck are totally a thing_ mindset was brought back in full force the day after Jeno met him. 

Everywhere he went he could practically hear the eerie singing of school children. _Mark and Donghyuck sitting in a tree, k i s s i n g, making Jeno feel like there’s something going on that he doesn’t know about_ —

It’s not a great feeling. 

Objectively, Jeno _knows_ that Mark and Donghyuck are just friends, and have been since childhood, and that Jeno’s the new guy. He also knows that Donghyuck isn’t the type to cheat, if he’s unhappy he’ll tell someone, but still, it leaves a bad taste in Jeno’s mouth. 

 

 

Jeno’s learned over the years that expectations are suffocating. Trying to be what everyone wants him to be has ended in more tears and pain than anyone would enjoy. 

Expectations can hurt in other ways too, Jeno finds, when he thinks about how Donghyuck and his relationship used to be. They used to be so happy, finding any and every reason to be close, but now it feels like there’s a wall between them. 

He desperately wants to touch Donghyuck, to act _like a fucking couple_ , but Donghyuck feels so far away, and at this point like he’s not even trying to listen for Jeno’s hopeless screams.

It’s frustrating.

Jeno finally understands that fucking saying. 

 

 

 

“You need to stop thinking so much,” Donghyuck tells him one day when he’s wrapped up in Jeno’s arms in his room, the afternoon sun streaming through the window.

Jeno shits, pulling Donghyuck closer to him. “And why is that?” His heart’s beating unreasonably fast, and he has no idea why. 

“You always call yourself boring, you’re not, you just don’t give yourself the chance to speak because you’re too caught up in what others think,” Donghyuck says, pushing Jeno’s arms off of him to lay next to him on the bed.

They both stare up at the ceiling, at the old glow in the dark stars Jeno hung up when he was in elementary school and wanted to be an astronaut. “You have to care what people think in a town like this,” Jeno says carefully, because no matter what Donghyuck says he’ll always overthink _everything._

Donghyuck turns his head to look at him. “I don’t.”

“You’re special,” Jeno whispers, because it’s true. Donghyuck Lee is unlike anyone Jeno’s ever met in this damn town, in his life. 

Donghyuck doesn’t say anything for awhile, the silence loud in Jeno’s ears. Once upon a time Donghyuck would blush prettily whenever Jeno complimented him. He doesn’t know when that stopped. 

“I can’t wait to get out of this town. Leave everyone behind,” Donghyuck says after a moment. 

Jeno feels a pang in his chest. “Even me?”

The question hangs in the air. Donghyuck never answers. 

Maybe this is when things started going wrong, Jeno thinks as he remembers that day with an L shaped hole in his chest that slightly resembles the L Donghyuck had made towards him all those years ago. 

 

 

Jeno doesn’t like parties, never has, but when you live in a small town the only things to do for fun is get wasted, high, or fuck. 

He’s done all of those things, with varying levels of fun coming from them.

Donghyuck loves parties, loves being the center of anyone’s attention—everyone’s except Jeno’s, it seems. Jeno slips away from the crowd five minutes after they arrive, making a beeline towards the kitchen and whatever alcohol he can chug to try to forget the pressure on his chest.

When he makes his way back into the living room, vision significantly blurrier than it was when he left, it takes him a moment to find Donghyuck. His eyes finally focus after a tremendous amount of effort and he finds Donghyuck in the corner of the room chatting with some kid.

Jeno makes to go over to them, until the kid turns and Jeno recognizes him.

It’s Jaemin.

Jeno’s mind goes back to all those weeks ago, when Donghyuck had told him about Jaemin’s advances, and he isn’t filled with rage persay, just bitterness. Not towards Donghyuck, but Jaemin.

The bitterness evolves from a bad taste in his mouth to an emptiness in his chest when he looks at Donghyuck, _really_ looks at him. His eyes are wide and bright, looking at Jaemin with so much happiness in them, and Jeno falters.

It’s been so long since Donghyuck looked at him life that. 

 

 

It was inevitable, but that doesn’t stop the ringing in Jeno’s ears from harassing him for days after it happens. 

Jeno may have been the one to start everything, but Donghyuck ended it.

There’s no yelling, no anger, just resignation. Somehow that makes it hurt so much more than it would’ve if Donghyuck had yelled, had pointed out everyone single one of Jeno’s flaws.

He wishes that’s how it went.

Instead, Donghyuck walks into his room on a rainy Saturday afternoon and goes, “I want to break up.”

Jeno’s breath catches in his throat. He can’t breathe. Jeno used to feel like that around Donghyuck all the time, in the beginning when just thinking about Donghyuck made him feel giddy, but now it’s not a warmth slowly pressing on his chest, now it’s cold and bitter.

“Okay,” Jeno replies, because what is he supposed to say? Beg for Donghyuck to let them try again, or tell him he loves him?

They both know that’s not true anymore.

Donghyuck nods, once and curt, like the realization that this is over is finally hitting him. 

Jeno almost calls out for him when he turns around and leaves, but nothing leaves his throat but a choked out sob. He cries for a long time, not because he’s sad, but because he feels so empty now that Donghyuck isn’t in his life.

Expectations are brutal. Expecting Donghyuck to always be there, expecting everything to always be _fine_ , they circled their clawed hands around Jeno’s neck and squeezed.

Jeno cries for hours, unable to do anything else, because this is what he’s expected to do, right?

 

 

Jeno is fifteen when he decides to change, to try to be like everyone else in this godforsaken town. It’s not a decision someone else made for him, it was himself, but that doesn’t make it a good one.

Funnily enough, it’s Donghyuck that lights the baby flame in his mind, and then kindles it. 

He’s known of Donghyuck for five years, been acquaintances for two, but they’ve never been on the same level. Donghyuck’s Donghyuck, beautiful, cheeky, and Jeno’s Jeno, arguably the most boring person on the planet.

They should’ve never crossed paths, galaxies keep them apart, but that night they did.

The October air is too cold for Jeno, but he’d rather die than not be here right now, desperate to keep his place in his friend group and not fade into unimportant nothingness. 

Donghyuck’s there too, in the front of the stands, hyping up the crowd, because that’s what he’s good at. Jeno’s been watching him with abrupt fascination in his eyes for the majority of the first half, in awe of how sure of himself he is.

Jeno’s not necessarily insecure, but the way Donghyuck carries himself amazes him, the confidence that oozes out of him falls into a pile of orange goo around his ankles. His smile lights up the stadium more than the seemingly 85,000 watt lights ever could. 

It’s after the game that they meet again. Donghyuck’s leaning against one of the pillars, waiting for a friend or a parent, someone to get him out of this cold. 

His ears are red at the tips. 

Jeno offers him his beanie.

“Thanks,” Donghyuck breathes out, it trailing out of his mouth like a smoke trail. 

Jeno stares. “No problem.”

They both stare into the empty night, the crowd still roaring as the last few minutes of the game play out. 

Jeno takes a deep breath. “How do you do it?”

“Do what?” Donghyuck asks, kicking at a rock. 

“Get everyone to like you,” Jeno says, desperation overtaking every cell in his body.

Donghyuck turns to him, blank eyes staring into his own. “Confidence.”

“I don’t have much of that,” Jeno swallows down the lump in his throat, suddenly aware of how pathetic he is. 

“Fake it til you make it,” is Donghyuck’s answer, blunt and scathing. 

Jeno looks down at his feet. “I don’t like lying.”

A car pulls up in front of them. Donghyuck pulls his beanie off and tosses it to Jeno. “Then I guess you’re just destined to be a loser for the rest of your high school career.” He gets in the car, Jeno’s unfocused eyes staring into space, the hot burn of shame deep in his stomach.

Before it drives away Donghyuck rolls down the window, staring straight at him as he fashions his fingers into an L on his forehead. 

 

 

Jeno doesn’t realize he hasn’t been in love with Donghyuck for a long time until long after they break up. 

He takes down all the picture of them together an hour after the break up. That’s the first sign that things weren’t as serious as he had thought, but even with that it makes him until long after graduation to realize. 

College is new and different and not at all like high school. His roommate is cool, some kid that’s new in town because of college named Renjun. He still sees a lot of his high school friends, but Jeno expected that, he lives in a college town where tuition is on the cheaper side so most people stay.

Maybe that’s where the cycle starts, not leaving, staying in this suffocating town for the rest of their miserable lives. Jeno wants to break it, wants to leave.

Donghyuck left. Went to a whole different state to get away from this town and everything it stands for. Jeno feels a deep bitterness in his heart because of it, not that Donghyuck left, but that he didn’t leave too. 

He thinks about Donghyuck from time to time, usually in the late hours of the night, following the same pattern he did when they were dating. Jeno wonders if he’s happy, because even though the relationship failed he cares about Donghyuck. 

Jeno isn’t happy, and maybe it’s just the way this town seems to wear him down more and more every day, but he feels like he’ll never be happy again. 

That is, until he starts to make more friends, puts himself out there in the way Donghyuck always wanted him too. He hopes that Donghyuck takes a look at his Instagram from time to time, checking in on him, and sees that he’s _trying_. Jeno hopes he’s proud of him.

What matters the most is that he’s proud of _himself_. Jeno has friends and a chance at getting out of this fucking town next year, transferring to a different college three states over. He’s getting better, not spending as much time alone and in his head as he used to. 

Jeno took Donghyuck’s words to heart that night at the football game, realized he didn’t want to be stuck in a bubble for the rest of his life. It’s what gave him the confidence to go after Donghyuck in the first place—and realize the relationship wasn’t working out.

Donghyuck and him may be history, but Jeno will forever treasure his time with him, because he helped him in so many ways. Jeno’s a better person because of him, and even though his heart ache from time to time, he’s thankful.

 

 

Jeno realizes he fell out of love with Donghyuck a year and a half into their relationship when he’s almost nineteen and working on a psychology paper about love. It’s not a life changing event, just an answer to a question he first asked a long time ago. 

He smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> this is lowkey me just projecting onto jeno and i'm sorry that the first time i've written nohyuck in almost a year is this mess but nonetheless i hope you enjoy it
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/nctskz) // [cc](https://curiouscat.me/vampjeno)


End file.
